Comatose
by checkforirrationality
Summary: I never dreamed i would be in this position, was i raped? Drugged? Tortured? I don't know, my memories are broken, the only thing that strikes me as odd is an incredibly familiar man with hair like silk and glowing yellow/green eyes, is he the key to my memory? Post CoLS and Rated M for torture and sexual content, plus CoLS spoiler! you have been warned! MALEC!
1. Filth, grime, and strength

******Hi Guys! This is obviously a Malec fanfic, and i hope you love it! and beware if you are in any way faint at heart now is the time to leave this may be borderline horror but there is romance plus a lot of "other" stuff later on, so if you can't stomach certain things i suggest you leave now^^**

**Disclaimer- I DON'T OWN ANYTHING OTHER THAN THIS FANFIC THE CHARACTERS ARE CASSANDRA CLARE'S!**

**So i have now disclaimed this, and i hope you love it, enjoy my lovelys3 oh and please review!**

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**ALEC POV**

Oh angel, please believe me, please, _please_ believe me.

Another violent shudder went through my body, shivering my very core; _I can't do this much longer. _

PLEASE believe me. The dark sky contrasted to the muddied sidewalks, shaking from the rain and thunder that poured down in Brooklyn, how ironic that I used to detest Brooklyn then after meeting Magnus I had come to love it, only to loath it once more.

Hurry. Hurry. Hurry. Hurry. Hurry. Hurry. Oh angel, please have luck on my side.

I toppled over, legs finally giving way; I felt the ground met my knees and forearms as I attempted to catch myself. The rain soaked through my sweater and jeans, forcing my clothes to stick to my aching body, as did the grime and filth entered my wounds probably an infection later on, if I didn't treat it that is.

Half dragging half pulling myself to an alley, I lurched over and retched by a waste bin, vomiting what was left of my stomach by a pile of trash. Dry heaving what was left of nothing, my throat throbbed, and everything burned, the sensation filled me with intense agony as the first wave hit me. I felt my arms being ripped off, each tendon stretch into thin strands from pure force and the bones breaking away and crumbling as my arms were crushed. My legs dissolved in a bucket of steaming acid, scotching them to nothing as the acidic liquid poured over my pale limbs, as claws dug their way through my chest, I felt each nail gouge through the thin lair of my skin, leaving growing blisters in the wake of my still intact skin on my torso. My throat closed completely and filled with tar corroding the inside of my body. I squeezed my eyes shut, and dug my nails into my wrist, breaking through the barrier and letting blood pool from my thin wrists.

A piercing screech was stuck in my throat, as the pain overwhelmed me, slowly subsiding after some time, feeling the tar and acid slid away, strengthening my grasp on reality, the claw marks healed, skin closing over long, jagged wounds, tendons and bones in my arms rejoining, finally sobering from the attack, I looked around.

I was in an alley lying in my own blood and bile, my wrists still stung but I was alive, I survive the first wave, shadow hunters were naturally stronger than mundanes, but I don't know if I can take this much pain _3 more times_. _His_ words flooded through my mind, reminding me that I had to hurry; I only had so little time.

"_You have 2 hours to find someone to spend it with, and if you are not back before the alluded time you will die and considering if you still want to protect the downworlder_-"_ the deep voice was calm and collected while still filled with malice, even when being interrupted he was calm and so utterly insane ._

"_It's Magnus; the downworlders name is Magnus Bane." I spat at him._

"_As I was saying, you have 2 hours to spend with anyone of your choosing, and if you are back by the time limit and you make this deal we will drop the charges and the death sentence will be cleared but don't forget-" he leered "You are ours Alexander Lightwood, we have already done a number, but if you fail, the downworlder will die and you will still belong to us after death, you will answer to our calls, listen to our whims," I gulped loudly and my eyes burned as he continued telling me how I would die. "Every thirty minutes the 'object' we have kindly inserted into you will let loose a certain amount of poison, we will set a portal to the institute but you have a specially old rune on you, and you will only be seen by one person, and that one person holds your fate Alexander Lightwood, deal or no deal?"_

"_Deal."_

The voice skittered through his head more than once, _you are ours Alexander Lightwood, oh _please angel believe me.

I hoisted myself up by the filthy waste bin and staggered closer to the lofts that were now in view, I sent another prayer and clambered up the steep steps and rested my head on the button, pushing it down and ringing loudly throughout Magnus' loft. Please angel let him be home. I had an hour and a half left, since I had to stumble from the institute to Brooklyn and I honestly didn't think I could last a lot longer, my limp is getting more visible the longer it's inside me.

That last attack was so much worse than the first one and if they keep getting more severe I would have to get it out before another oncoming wave hits or I might actually die of pain.

"THIS IS THE HIGH WORLOCK OF BROOKLYN YOU BETTER HAVE A VERY GOOD REASON FOR DESTERBING MY SLEEP," I heard Magnus' familiar boom and felt my lips turn upward despite my current situation before feeling the anxiety creep its way into my very being.

"M-Magnus, it's me, Alec, p-please let m-me in," I stammered, only to be rewarded with silence, "Please, PLEASE MAGNUS, I need this, Please, o-oh angel, please," My voice cracked on the last word as I begged.

"What do you want Alexander, I thought I made it clear that I didn't want to see you anymore, if it has to do with any of your baby siblings I told you the warlock I recommended didn't I? It's very-"

"Magnus PLEASE, It has to be you! I can't go to anyone else j-just please, MAGN-"I was cut short by violent, wet, hacking. I covered my mouth with my hand quickly to stifle the sound, so it wouldn't seem like I'm using any excuse to talk to him. My throat pulsed with aching and I looked at my palm and was horrified by what I saw.

The pale skin contrasted with the stark liquid that was dripping through my fingers, "Oh angel…Magnus I beg of you, open this door this once and I swear by the angel that I will never bother you agai-"more hacking made its way from my throat as I tried to reason with him, feeling my throat open up again, I continued, "again, so PLEASE!" My eyes stung with the possibility of tears as I continued my pleas, if he didn't open this door and I died during any of this or even after he will die, he has to open.

_Oh angel._

The door opened and I could have died right then and there, I was struck by his beauty as usual, this was part of the reason I was so insecure, part of the reason I destroyed our relationship, part of the reason I felt like and still feel like dying. Magnus Bane is my existence, and I will gladly sacrifice my life for him, and that happens to be what I'm doing now, but there is no way I will tell him, I just can't it already seems too planned, too fake, too 'perfect' to be anything other than an act, but it wasn't this Is all too real.

Magnus stood a few inches taller than me with his silky, midnight hair was down and smooth, some strands covering his perfect face, which was adorned with no makeup and happened to be a prize to see considering he is both dazzling with it on as much as it is off his face. Arms crossed over a loose mid-rift neon purple tank top showing his very toned and tanned stomach, with the prominent V leading to low riding, black sparkly, pajama pants that are topped off with sparkly, neon green toes.

His eyes were narrowed and his face was full of disdain and boredom as he looked over my sure to be act to get him back, I'm sure that's exactly what it looked like because Izzy had tried some stuff before only fail when he found it was all part of some mysterious plan. I probably looked very fake right now, but I wasn't…he could save his own life right now if he helped me, I don't even care if I die after his death sentence is gone, just as long as he can be free.

"Is this another ploy Alexander, because I assure you if it is you won't like the ending." His voice was like music to my eyes, scorn evident or not, I indulged in heard his speak to me at all.

My eyes skittered around, I remembered one of those _monsters _saying that they would have people or most likely _demons _watching me, it's rubbing me wrong considering what I have to deal with every thirty minutes. "Magnus…please l-let me inside, insult me or hurt me or do whatever you want as s-soon as we are inside I don't care, a-actually I welcome _your _beating, just please let me inside.." I caught a glimpse of his cat eyes widening slightly as he heard those words leave my mouth as he took in my appearance for probably the first time.

Sure I've looked back before in some of Izzy's plans but this by far was so much worse, and I felt worse too. My dark green sweater, aside from once being black and already two sizes too big, was covered in my own blood and had large rips on the chest and arms and blooming dark red marks from the blood that still oozed out of my wrists, now clearly showing through on of the tattered fabric. My dark wash jeans weren't as bad, while still covered in blood and grim had a lot less hole, some around the knees but nothing too bad, but the worst thing was that I had bruises and wounds the encased my milky skin.

Covering his emotion quickly Magnus lead the way to his loft with my stumbling after him on trembling legs he sat on a dull pink love seat, _a dull color…wait what?, _and watched Alec for any sign of presence.

"Are those fake wounds like last time, because you're dripping on my nice carpet and fake blood stains." Magnus stated boredly, I looked down at my wrist that was now spilling scarlet ooze onto the black and white spotted fluffy carpet, "O-oh, no…um c-can I h-have a to-towel?" I picked up my arm and cradled it to my grimy sweater. He seemed to analyze if I really needed one or not before snapping his fingers and popping an orange towel into my open hand.

I wrapped my arm in orange fluff and tightened my grip on the towel, making me wince, "So are you here for another plan to get me back? Or do you really need help because I told you before that the other warlock can help you." Magnus waited for my reply him face a bleak mask.

"I-it has to be y-you, I-it won't work I-if you're not the one h-helping m-me, p-please just listen to me seriously…" I felt a wave of dizziness wipe over me and I stumbled over to one of the chairs and grabbed tight, it couldn't have already been thirty minutes, oh angel no. I heard the telltale ding of a clock striking twelve, I felt the discomfort slowly form to aching and moving up the latter. "Oh angel no," I squeezed my eyes shut and locked my jaw, hiding any evidence of pain from leaking out. I opened my eyes slightly and gazed at Magnus, his eyes wide, confused, but that was the last I saw before I collapsed and went into another attack.

The waves hit me worse this time, I felt acid burn at my throat, dissolving any muscle and bone and melting its way down my spine and body, sizzling out of every hole that was on my skin. I jerked and convulsed as I felt the familiar stretch of my limbs, breaking any hold that I would have with my flesh and bones as they cracked and disintegrated from the power of the poison. I faintly remember heaving up black tar and letting the pain from my legs dissolving and crunching in on each other, waiting for the clawing to begin, a loud whimper passes through my clenched teeth as I waited for the agony to diminish like it did before, and it did with time but I was still curdled in a fetal position as the pain washed away, and bringing me back to reality.

Magnus was not on the couch anymore, he was beside me and looking frantically around from what wound that the blood was coming from, but he wouldn't find it, the demon poison made me twist in agony mentally not physically, though I still bleed from everything I felt but anything that I will feel is in my head.

I shakily got up with Magnus' help and gazed at him and answered the question that was swirling around in those amazing eyes.

"P-p-peop…le th-that c-call thems…elves t-the council t-took m-m-me, the…y cl…aimed t-that t-they a-are higher than t-th-the clave a-and th…at being g-gay was a w-wrong," I took a deep breath and explained the whole story minus the part that they would kill him if I didn't do this, my voice getting stronger and stronger the more time that passed after the attack.

Magnus stood shocked, half unbelieving and half horrified that they would do something to someone for just being gay. For being gay they had kidnapped me and thoroughly beat me, leaving a bloody mess when they finished and they had raped me, yes they raped me for being gay. They had stuck a demon object' in my bum that leaked a certain amount of demon poison every thirty minutes, and the problem was I couldn't take it off myself, it was set so that if I tried it would send the whole load of poison and I would die within minutes, just like at the end of 2 hours if I wasn't back on time and Magnus of course will die if I failed to complete this 'assignment' as they called it.

I had one more attack then I would die, I had 7 minutes left after explaining everything, I just had to hope he believed me.

Magnus finally snapped out of his reverie and he looked at the ticking grandfather clock in the corner, "5 minutes," he stated still somewhat none believing, I nodded solemnly. We would have to wait after the next wave because if I went into an attack while he was doing it, I would surely die. I waited 5 minutes until I felt the burn and sting of my throat and I launched myself into the bathroom, so Magnus wouldn't have to see another attack, it was bad enough he saw one.

The sensation spread from my finger tips to my toes as agony ripped through me harder and darker than before. I shuddered hard when it was over and flushed the bile down the pipes as I staggered out of the bathroom and saw a huddled shadow on the ground.

I crawled closer and looked at him, his face was in his palms and I heard a strangled sob escape the confines of his hands. "Magnus…" I brushed a piece of hair away from his face and tucked it behind his ear, and let my hand rest on his cheek, my thumb moving softly back and forth, caressing his face. I pulled his hands "It's going to be ok, you're going to be fine," I said while brushing away a stray tear. His head snapped upward "I'm going to be fine?" he questioned, _oops, I slipped, _I sucked in a breath and looked away.

"Alec, what do you mean _I'm_? ALEC!" he shouted, "I-I'm sorry, I'm s-so so-sorry," I whimpered and dropped my head, covering my eyes with my dark hair. "What does it mean?!" Magnus demanded, "They th-threatened you, th-they said th-that I-if I don't do t-this…t-they w-would kill you…" Ashamed I felt the tears fall for the first time since I was kidnapped.

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**Sorry to end it like this lovely's but i did and i hope its amazingly mean^^ anywho PLEASE REVIEW! it makes me happy. (:**


	2. Boy who cried wolf

**Hello darlings(: Nice of you to come back! Well i literally spent hours on this, i have absolutely no idea how many times i deleted giant pages because lack of creativity and its exceedingly sad that in order to write good i have to have a cup of coffee in one of my hands. Well anyways it's done! Haha i hope you guys like it! and if you like to listen to music while you read like i do i'll put some songs that i listened to while writing this! Thanks and ENJOY MY LOVELYS3  
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**Blown Away-Carrie Underwood(This song has literally inspired chapters to be written so thank Carrie. lol)**

**For Your Entertainment-Adam Lambert(This song inspired the a piece of this chapter and if you like him you should read my other story, it's about him3)**

**anywho, back to the story!**

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**MAGNUS POV**

Of course a dark, dreary, rain filled day would bring out the feelings I have buried deep inside of me, as the rain ran tracks down the windows, thoughts of Alec sprung to mind. _Why had he arrived at my home? Is this another attempt at getting me back? Is my baby going to die?_ I couldn't even call him mine anymore, we've broken up.

So tell me why I still let him in when he comes to my home hurt and begging for entrance? Even if his story is fake I'm still upset, I'm still letting tears fall down my wet cheeks from the very thought of him dying and worst of all… I still believe him. _I'll never learn will I?_

When I had opened the door shock and panic coursed through my very veins when I saw his appearance. He twitched and trembled with anxiety, he gazed around every minute with definite horror swirling in his sunken eyes, the once sky blue was now clouded over with pain. Alec's hair was matted in blood and filth and his clothes were torn and bloody, but the only injuries on him where scrapped knees and arms and deep gashes on his wrist. There were five evident and deep crescent marks that were oozing scarlet on the stairs along with bloody scratches that needed cleaning. If he was feigning innocence then he would have a B for forgetting the actual wounds that should litter his body with all the blood coating his attire.

Even when I thought It would be a trick it still terrified me, knowing that he was out in the rain, with pain etched into him like a branding, a limp so bad he dragged his left leg, and deep gashes on his arm.

He begged and pleaded for entrance to my loft as his eyes flickered to the shadowy murk, his distress was catching a grasp on me, squeezing my pounding heart, suffocating me. I couldn't breathe, I could only focus on how torn he looked, it was never this bad before and it scared me.

I walked away from the door with him trailing behind me ever so slowly, dripping crimson liquid on to my spotted carpet; every drop was like my own heartbeat pulsing in my ears. The red was such a contrast to the white and black, so much so that I flinched everytime I saw the bright stream run from the injury and let gravity take it to the floor.

On the inside I was hyperventilating and quivering with my heart pounding in my limbs, but on the outside I was bleak, calm, almost bored, and void of emotions completely. It was the perfect cover, if I keep acting this way he will stop his act and my heart will settle, along with horrible imagination as to what had happened to him.

When I let him talk he spluttered for help, not for a second chance but for help, he was almost incoherent. His eyes kept flickering over to my grandfather clock almost like a nervous tick, it was close to twelve and I was frustrated and afraid that this would be another prank so that he would quick acting and quit crying wolf, but in a way I hoped for it.

The clock rung loudly only echoing louder through the silence, breaking the trance I was in, I looked over at Alexander as his eyes widened in terror and I saw sweat drip from his body, blood soaked through the towel that I had given him at an alarming rate, and he trembled twice as much as prier.

I took a hesitant step forward as he tumbled backwards, knocking off a couple pictures of us, that I had forgotten to trash or hide, from the coffee table. He landed around shattered glass, creating wounds left for infection if not treated, Alec curled in on himself as loud gasps escaped clenched teeth, crimson gushed from unknown places and I almost felt the demon blood as the smell hit me, _he wasn't faking_, and this wasn't an act. Demon poison was coursing through him, I saw the veins on his wrist turn black and pulse, his own blood that was leaking from him was black, and smelled of death.

My heart pitched and I raced over to him, I didn't know what to do, I could have easily healed whatever wound that had poison covering it but the thing was that I couldn't find one. I had settled for the next best thing and closed off the other minor injuries and started healing the gashes when he started digging his finger nails into his thin, pale wrists. The image was so unsettling that I almost gagged as I tried to rid his arms from the incisions so I could help, but something stopped me. He was whispering words over and over again, leaning to his lips I listened, separating the pants from his voice, he was fervently hissing the words _it's not real_ under his breathe almost silently.

After slowly coming down from the attack he drooped and went limp, mere seconds passed, I sucked in a breath, and my heart stopped, eyes wide, I crawled closer to Alec and whispered his name softly, frantically. His eyes flew open and he gasped for air, I heaved a sigh of relief as the terror washed away wave by wave and my heart went back to pounding against my chest.

Alec stood with my help and explained slowly at first, and then faster as he got to one of the parts that broke my heart, people had raped him for being gay. The worst part of the 'story' was his eyes the whole time; those baby blues were bright with misery so harsh that I could only stare, I couldn't give him comforting words or sayings to help him, I could only hold a blank stare as so many emotions crossed through my mind, so much so that I didn't know which on to show.

_Terror_

_Horror_

_Frustration_

_Pain_

_Misery_

_Disgust_

_Grief_

_Sorrow_

_Heartache_

So many other words flittered over my mind like credits to a movie with a horrible ending, one with no happy ending, one with nothing but anguish and agony breaking all of the people that were so unlucky as to lay eyes on the screen.

I heard the tick of the clock as he finally finished his 'story' and my eyes flickered to the time, _5 minutes_, my heart contracted. I heard his voice vibrate through my thoughts _"I-I have th-these a-a-attacks every th-thirty minutes, I-it's all psychological but I feel the pain…" _He's had to go through this so many times already, and he has to go back after two hours or he's dead, the _thing_ will let the rest of the poison give him an agonizing death and all because he follows his heart and is gay.

I watched in sorrowful panic as he rushed to the bathroom and locked the door to have his next attack, I could have easily opened it with my magic, but I don't think I could handle it, and I think that was precisely why he's in there, dealing his pain in complete silence, never once did he ask me to take some of his pain or any other way that could cause me to get hurt, I even offered.

After the door slammed shut I slide down the wall as anguish filled me when I heard the torturous gasps and muffled cries through the bathroom, I waited, a blank gaze, eyes filling with tears that never spilled. There was nothing else I could help with; placing my face in my hands I let tears of misery crawl down my cheeks, wetting my skin with salt and water. I played the events over and over again in my mind, trying to make sense of what was happening, needless to say, I was completely convinced.

I heard the bathroom door creak open and footsteps dragging over to me, a strangled sob escaped my throat unconsciously, and I felt hands on my hair, brushing tangles out of my face with calloused fingers that have never felt better. One of the hands softly pulled at my hands, drawing them away from my swollen eyes, brushing away tears Alec caressed my cheek softly, and smiled slightly, only a mouth upturn but it met his eyes, just barely.

"Magnus…" His voice was filled with emotion though it was crusted from pain, I felt the tears run faster as I looked in his eyes, those blue, beautiful eyes, the ones I loved, the ones that had made me fall deeply in love, and the ones that belonged to the one person that made my very being blissful, met pained, red, and swollen, yellow/green eyes. I felt my heart break from how much emotion swirled inside them, like his voice it held heaps of every emotion, I couldn't take it I felt the very string that tied to my sanity…break.

"It's going to be ok…You're going to be fine," I heard the smile, I almost smiled too, almost, but his words circled around in my head _"You're going to be fine," _what does that mean, was he doing this for me? I jerked upward and stared at Alec; I cocked my head to the side and narrowed my eyes trying to make sense of what spilled from his lips.

"I'm going to be fine?" I questioned, I know I shouldn't have pushed him like this, given the state he's in, I could possibly push him over the edge but I just couldn't let it go, what if he was killing himself for me, what if the selfish bastard that I thought he was never actually existed and he was only doing something completely different, I never did let him explain everything when it happened, I was just too done, so what _if._

I saw him visibly tense, _oh my god please don't be true…_

"What do you mean _I'm?_ ALEC!" My blood ran cold as I saw him flinch, "I-I'm sorry, I'm s-so so-sorry," He whispered as he covered his face with his messy hair. I whimpered, "What does it mean?!" I demanded desperately, I looked around in his eyes frantically for some sign of ANYTHING that tells me it's not true. Then he explained, and I wanted nothing more than to rip my own heart out and end my life all at the same time as wanting to destroy 'The council' that now has a permanent death sentence unlike my own.

Murderous intent filled my gaze as everything turned red, electric blue sparks flickered off my fingers and my cat eyes dilated. Objects in the loft started vibrating and a low buzzing filled the air as my powered swirled around the home, I couldn't take it, he was practically committing suicide for me, someone who had cold hearted dumped him for a mistake, they were going to kill my baby, my fucking lover because I had a god damn fucking death sentence. I know one thing for sure they will fall to the ground a bloody mess before they touch him, that's a fucking promise.

I felt hands pull at my hands and my face, bring me back from my rage, making me falter my intent, red fell to pink and the room slowed its spin as the blue sparks calmed. "Magnus, Magnus, I-I'm sorry!" I heard his voice through the cage I had trapped my mind in; I looked down, with eyes still dilated, his still spinning.

"MAGNUS!" I was still slightly disoriented but not enough to respond, my thoughts were still flying in a blur. Through the murk I felt searing hot lips touch mine, and arms wrap around my neck tightly, I was instantly snapped back to reality, his kiss was clearing my fuzzy vision. I responded quickly by morphing my lips to his with so much passion, I dropped my hands to his waist as I felt him give a throaty moan, fueling my desires.

"Alexander" I growled in his ear as I trailed heated kisses down the sensitive spot under his ear, sucking and licking down his jaw, I gripped his bum and grinded his sex into mine, he half gasped and moaned in response. "Ahh Mag-nus," I shuddered, his eyes were a navy blue, from lust and desire and his lips were red and pouty.

"Oh baby, you're so sexy," I panted as I sucked and bit at his neck leaving a most likely very purple and dark tail of hickeys down his pale neck. Palming his bulging erection through torn jeans, I moaned loudly from just the feeling of his skin on mine, I was instantly brought back to times we had sex, I remembered the feel of his sex on mine, the feel of entering his tight opening, a loud groan ripped from throat as the memories flashed through my mind.

I moved back up to his lips and sucked on his swollen bottom lip; hands went up my shirt and roughly traveled along my chest, going to the back as they yanked me even closer than we were before. I ripped my shirt over my head and fervently kissed Alec, twisting tongues, mashing our lips together, hands roaming everywhere.

Alec pulled his shirt over his head and yanked my hair, whimpering loudly, I shivered. "Magnussssss," He hissed, "Magnus, baby I'm-So sorry," He panted and looked me in the eyes waiting for my answer and answer I did. "Alexander, I still love you, don't be sorry, I'll get you out of this." I almost moaned.

I was about to continue my ministrations when I heard a gasp from above, but it wasn't from pleasure, I could tell that much, "The time…" He whispered, my head snapped up as I stared at the clock, we had eight minutes before he dies unless we got him to the portal in the institute.

"Put your shirt on," I took charge, I wasn't letting him die, and I sure as hell wasn't letting him kill himself for me, 'the council' is going to get a run for their money and burn in fucking hell before that happens.

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**By the way I love all of your reviews! So please feel free to review again and review for the first time! Be convinced, reviews make me update faster, seriously, i always feel like if you review i have an obligation to keep you ladies and gents happy! anywho have fun awaiting the next chapter, i still have to think of it.. lol ok bye now(:**


	3. Familiar feel of pain

**Hello ladies and gents I am back! Well I really hope you like this chapter, i had a lot to think about and directions to take with this, and i apologize ahead of timeeeeeee LOL you'll see what i'm talking about later.**

**The song of the chapter is Mad world- Gary Jules**

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**ALEC POV**

The rain dripped, like tears flowing down reddened cheeks, the cloudy skies reflected on my mood, reminding me that I was to die a painful death; the next wave will kill me, and I actually couldn't think of a better way to die. Magnus had me cuddled close to his chest, rocking me back and forth; whispering loving things in my ear, this was fine, and I wouldn't mind dying now, everything was almost perfect.

I finally realized the reason I went to Magnus' when we left, though I kept begging for help that wasn't actually what I needed to be released, all I wanted was his forgiveness. As soon as it didn't matter anymore and we were kissing and happy for that amount of time I felt better, I didn't need something extra to make me feel content, I will die for Magnus whether he likes it or not and nothing will EVER happen to him on my watch.

I let a sigh flow from my lips as I nuzzled closer to the only man that I would ever love, the one that brought me out of my shell, and was there for me until I screwed everything up, even now he still stands by me. Feeling tears prick at my eyes I closed them and waited, counting down seconds till my death, and the moment that I would leave Magnus forever.

_I dreaded that minute, that second that I would no longer feel his warmth, no longer be in his presence._

"Alec..." Magnus almost begged, bringing me out of my reverie, "Don't do this! We can figure something out; please you can't do this, baby please…" His voice cracked at the end as he pulled my head closer to his body with his sparkled fingers and kissed the top of my head digging his nose deeper into my nest of hair. Breathing in Magnus' scent deeply I listened to the soft sound of his breathing and listened to his fluttering heartbeat as I felt myself drift in and out of sleep.

Almost minutes later the cab pulled up to the sidewalk by the institute and waited patiently for us to exit and pay; Magnus threw money in the seat and took off, dragging me behind him as he pushed past the doors, urging foot after foot to drag through the halls, trying suppress my limp so I wouldn't trip. We rushed through the maze like halls and down slim corridors finally with my room in site, he shoved open the door and stood in front of the portal, staring it down like it would attack him any second.

I had already made up my mind on what I would do, this was my chance to protect him, save his life, be the hero, though I won't be around to take the credit, they would all say I died by a demon, the truth would be I died for being a freak, a _fag_, unwanted, and unloved. That would never go away and if I died with pride or not I was willing to let whatever happen to me as long as Magnus was alive and ok, hell I hope he finds someone to love, someone who will actually treat him better, someone not like me; that won't put his hands in his pockets when he wants to hold hands, someone who wouldn't hide his face in public, and someone who has confidents.

_I have to go through with my plan. Have to._

"W-What will they do to you?" Magnus' voice shook as he asked the question, and he looked down, trembling.

My eyes widened at the sight, why was he so upset, he would just find another lover, I'm only another blue eyes that he's fallen for, give it a couple months or even years then he'll get over me. The thought made me quiver, Magnus with someone other than me, someone better, sexier, more confident, smart, on every level he or she would be better.

I trudged over and put my palms on his cheeks and lifted his face to mine, this was the first time I had ever seen Magnus cry, clear liquid was streaming down his face leaving sticky tracks, his hair was matted and his make-up was severely smeared. Even now he was the most beautiful thing I have ever laid eyes one, with a flamboyant personality, an amazing fashion sense, and wonderful features that took my breath away this man was by far perfect in every way possible.

"Please, don't cry, I won't let them hurt me," I tried for a smile before I continued but it hardly reached my own lips, "Don't worry please, I-I love you…never forget tha-"

"No," He interrupted me, "Don't talk like that! You're going to live! I won't let you die, baby please don't talk like that!" He dropped to his knees and hugged my burring his face in my side, "You're going to live…" barely muttering this more to himself then to me, I hugged him tight before pulling him back up.

Gazing deep into his yellow/green eyes I spoke, emotion thick in my voice, but I wasn't going to cry, not yet anyways. "Magnus, I love you, believe me when I say this, what I did before was a mistake and probably my biggest regret…I-I want you to remember me, after a few years or so, you'll find s-someone else….with a longer life, most likely completely better than me, and I want you to treat them whoever it might be like royalty. I want you to have no left over feelings for m-me, because I am going to die and I don't want you to be upset, nobody needs to have a hole in their heart, e-e-especially someone like me. I want you to know that I have very few regrets and each of them are about treating you right, I've been a horrible boyfriend and to this day I still don't think I could call you an e-ex, because this may sound dumb but you ARE my life, and I will do anything to keep you safe. Magnus I love you more than words can even explain, the saying 'you complete me' doesn't even begin to help you realize how much I am in love with every little bit of you. And I am so sorry that I've done this to you, I shouldn't have ever done anything like that, and I'm sorry I came to you for this, I shouldn't have even let you see me, I'm so sorry…"

I let myself fall to the floor and felt tears jerk at my eyes, pleading to be free, but I still couldn't cry yet, it wasn't time yet. I waited silently, staring at the carpet as I felt feet approach me cautiously, Magnus cleared his throat before speaking, and he dropped to his knees again.

"Alexander, you don't need to apologize…I..I will never forget you, I pr-promise you that, and I will try for everything else, but baby…You….You are my soul, I don't think I could ever do…something l-like that to you, I love you..so much Alec please, don't die, don't go, baby I could find a way, I could try to save you, I could really try, please, just let me lo-"

"Magnus…"

I shot a glance at the clock, two minutes, and watched him, hoping he would understand, but of course he didn't. Magnus stared at the clock for a long moment only to glance back at me, desperation was swirling in his eyes, but there was nothing he could do.

"Please I don't want you to see me like that, could you…?"

I looked away right before I was about to continue, but before I could I was slammed into the wall and soft lips were pressed to mine, showing the clear fear and despair that was stabbing him in the back. His hands pulled my lower back closer to him and he grabbed my leg, lifting it up around his waist as he scooted closer nuzzling himself as close as possible to me. Sighing quietly I yanked on his hair and let my tongue wrestle his for dominance, of course he won, dragging his wet muscle along the roof of my mouth made a moan drop from my open lips. I couldn't do this here, not now, I would die in a minute or two and if Magnus witnessed that he would be scarred and I wouldn't do that to him, so I had to stop.

Before I could get too caught in our actions I had to push him away, only enough to hug him tightly, letting my hands run straight lines down him arms and up his back, trying to burn the feel of him into my memory. He shivered and gently brushed his lips across mine, just a lip touch but the feeling and emotion that was behind that little tap was so intense that it spoke words neither of us could speak, leaving me breathless. Magnus let his hands drop has he slowly trudged away, leaving me against the wall alone, before he left I saw a swift turn and he was gone, sprinting down the hallway, trying to get as far away from me as possible.

I had a minute left and Magnus just left, I can go through with my plan now, I locked my door and sat on the floor and waited for my life to end, this was my plan, I wouldn't go to the council, whether they could save me or not, I wouldn't give them the satisfaction of seeing me in pain and dying. There was no way out and this was the only option left so I took it by the horns, as long as they let me die, and Magnus was kept safe, no matter where he is, or who he was with, he would be safe.

If I died, he would have the council on his side, keeping watch over him, keeping him safe because of the promise I made. _Now I was happy_.

I felt the familiar feel of pain easing its way slowly up my body, like before it started with my toes and lead its way up my chest and arms getting to my head, it was starting earlier and slower than the last times, this was going to be the most painful and longest attack I have had and it was starting seconds too soon.

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**Sorry about the ending guys!:) PLEASE review, seriously I got bunches the first chapter and one the second at least tell me if that chapter sucked.-. well yeah byebye kiddies. until next time **


	4. Leaves on the wind

**OH MY FUCKING CAMEL TOE I AM SO SORRY YOU GUYS! Jeeeeeez I didn't mean to be away for so long, school started and I have so much stuff to do! Involving tons of projects like ALREADY. but yes sorry! its finally here and yet again i bow down to you guys for sticking with this sorry even with the shitty 'i no update author'. SORRY!**

**REVIEW PLEASE, seriously, if you review, i can garuntee i will want to update faster for you ladies and gents. 'Cause honestly when i get like one review thats really nice but then i don't feel that OBLIGATION, so please and thank you.**

**What are words-Chris Medina (It's more of a sweet slow song but it's sad and the first time i heard it i cried, I blame it on sensitivity)**

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**MAGNUS POV**

When I took those first steps out of the room, I broke, Alec, he was the miracle of my existence, if I had never met him, I don't know where I would be. Just the thought of him alone somewhere with monsters, who took much pleasure from seeing him in pain, dying perhaps, I couldn't take it; sprinting down the hallway I let the water spill from my catlike eyes, now red and blotchy from fat tears that stretched across my face. I clawed at my cheeks, as I slid down the wall and put my face in my knees, and just thought of the good times, not of how Alec was probably being tortured but psychotic freaks who thought being gay was a sin. But that was nearly impossible when I, the supposed person who was in love with him, just let him enter that god forsaken portal, who was I to even grieve; I should have tried to do something, help him in the least!

I turned over and retched, letting the feel of vomit burn my throat, the pain was bringing me back to reality, keeping me grounded, something I very much needed at the moment, without it, I would be a puddle of nothing.

Nothing but leaves on the wind.

The world sharpened as my vision came into focus, I needed to get there and help them, what if the portal was still open, or let traces of magic, and I could help him, possibly save him. _I needed this._

My knees shook as I stood; groping the wall for grip I stepped towards the tragedy that awaited me.

Left. Right. Left. Right. One step after the other. Quickly. Fast. Rushed. Impatient. Frustrated. Ignorant.

I turned the corner to the hallway that lead to his room and stopped, frozen in place, the closer I got the door, the louder the labored breaths and gasps of pain got. _Was he still in there?_

Just the thought of him dying that way, ripped apart my very soul, I treed closer, and waited at the door, what if he really was dying here? What if he was going to be lost from me and there was nothing I could do about it, I could only stand here and fear for the worst.

_NO_, I can't do that, he needs me, I burst through the door and raced over to Alec, the portal had closed and everything looked almost ordinary minus the withering beauty, with demon poison slowly torturing my baby, making its way through his veins, killing him. He didn't seem to notice my presents as I fluttered over his flailing body, the floor was soaking itself with Alec's blood, and he was heaving black substance into the carpet with thick tears streaming down his cheeks. I bit my lip till I felt a trail of red fall from my lip at the sight, he had curled in on himself and was rocking and digging his nails into his wrist again, reopening the gashes from before. I couldn't imagine the agony he was going through, I could only stare almost like a blind man, I was seeing it, but not comprehending.

_Ignorance is bliss._

Or so the saying goes, thoughts flashed through my mind and useless ideas made their way the front as I searched frantically for some way to save him. A book flashed through my mind, a certain book of white precisely, I snapped my fingers and felt the familiar weight of the book in my hands and flipped page after page for something, anything that could help him. Before I went to work on a spell I needed someone here to help him while I worked.

"ISABELLE LIGHTWOOD! JACE LIGHTWOOD! ALEC'S ROOM. NOW!" I roared at the siblings that were somewhere inside the institute, and almost felt relief when I heard the sound of footsteps racing to his room. Almost.

The blonde was the first to burst through the doorway; he stumbled when he saw what was going on and fell to his knees wide eyes, fear and confusion swimming through golden orbs. "WH-WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED!?" Jace yelled, and crawled over to Alec and gripped his wrists, pinning them away from his wrists. He gazed at me and opened his mouth about to say something but was interrupted by a blood curdling scream; both of our heads whipped over and found Isabelle leaning heavily on the arch of the doorway with liquid spilling from her eyes.

"A-Alec, ALEC!" Isabelle shouted while rushing towards him, she dropped next to him and began drawing iratzes over Alec's body, frantically calling out his name in the process.

Alec's movements were gradually getting more and more sluggish, his erratic breathing now soft gasps every minute or so, he was going, already white skin now pasty from lack of blood and his pupils were a dull navy color.

When he stopped moving completely Jace felt for Alec's pulse and paled when his fingers made contact with the shinning white skin stained red with blood and his eyes looked haunted, "His pulse…Magnus his pulse….I can't feel it..Magnus...MAGNUS!" Jace sputtered. My head snapped away from the book of white and I fell to the floor next to Alec and felt the pressure point on his neck for signs of a heartbeat, seconds passed without even a faint movement and the sting connecting me to reality was dissolving at an exceedingly fast pace. My own fluttering heart stopped and the room was silent, the soft skin of his neck had lost its heat and was cold from blood loss. I hadn't noticed the busy tears that dripped from my dull eyes, my lips quivered as I waited desperately for that pulse; that beat, my hands trembled and I was silent.

"A-Alec…Baby. It-it's me...Ma-Magnus...Alec…Alexander…Alec please…open your eyes, baby please…I-I…I love you..Alec please just open your eyes. Don't do this…I'm sorry, just come back...please" my voice cracked in the end. I gently nudged his shoulders with my hands, shaking him lightly, "Alec…PLEASE!" I let my head drop to his chest, soaking my hair in blood; I rested there for moments, still waiting for that pulse, that small quiver of the heart, but still nothing.

My whole life I had spent running from anything that could possibly take away some of my freedom, anything that could jeopardize the life I had built for myself, but him. Alec had broken down all of my barriers within the first month and had me madly in love by the second, I couldn't just let him die, I couldn't let him leave my life without even a proper goodbye.

He can't just leave things the way they are, he just can't, Alec can't do this, everything is unfinished!

I stood with purpose and swiftly picked up the book of white and read through spell after spell searching for one that would save his life. Through the sift of pages, I tried to block the sounds of Izzy yelling Alec's name and Jace's quiet sobs, with all my power I focused on the book and recited one spell, one little spell that would save his life with enough power, one that a high warlock could easily complete if the stakes were right, one that would bring him back.

The words flew from my native tongue as I repeated lines as directed and spoke loud and powerful, using as much of my magic as was possible, there was only one downfall to this one spell, and it might be the end of everything I've ever had built in New York. I slit my wrist as commanded, and let it spill onto Alec, as I began to feel weaker and weaker, I felt the feel of my power leave me and pour onto him, filling him with magic enough to bring him back.

I had to say a couple more times and my eyes were already drooping and my limbs felt heavy, I needed to at least get through this spell.

"M-Magnus…what are you doing? Magnus what does the spell do?!" I heard Isabelle's hesitant voice get stronger as she jumped up to stop me at some 'attempt' at saving her brother, but before she could get to me I had it finished, the limbs fell from beneath me and I collapsed next to Alec, but before I passed out I looked over at him and cupped his cheek.

"Wake up baby," I smiled widely as I saw his fingers twitch, I had brought him back, and the rest was up to him, if he truly desired to live or if he thought it would be inane to keep a beating heart simply because of his sexual preference. I laid my hand on his soft beating heart and grinned as the world around me was becoming more and more vivid and blurred, I watched with content as black filled my vision and hit the floor, hand still connected to his heart.

Before I completely went I heard a loud groan from behind me and gasps of surprise and my name being called.

_Magnus._

_Magnus._

_Magnus._

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**ONCE AGAIN PLEASE REVIEW! And thank you so much for supporting me so far. It means so much guys. ok until next time adieu. **_  
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	5. Flash of a camera

**GUYS I AM SO SORRY! GOSH. I am so thankful for those of you who are staying with me through this, school makes it hard to do this...But i started added like paragraphs everyday, so i'll update a lot sooner if i keep that up, I'M STILL SO SORRY, i hope this chapter was worth the wait, please Review and criticize or complement at your need. Reviews mean everything to writers on fanfic or i'm assuming so, it helps me with confidence about this story so i do hope that you would post reviews, please and thank you, always and forever -MEE  
**

**Song of the chapter **

**My side of the story-Hodges**

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**ALEC POV**

I was falling, violently through a dark abyss; my limbs were limp and all I could feel was my heart beat shutting down. I trembled violently, and it was cold- freezing even…through the misted black; I heard a sound, a soft flutter, along with flashes of light flickering in the distance.

A wall made its way in front of my vision, a solid ashen wall, obscuring anything under it, and I was falling towards the block.

My body smashed into the wall with brutal force, and yet no pain reached me, one thing was for sure…I couldn't breathe. I needed oxygen.

The force alone pushed some part of me back into my body, the air rushed up to me and I curled over gasping for breath and hacking the blood that was left in my throat. I heard people screaming the same thing over and over, but all I heard was tone, muffled sounds that didn't quite reach my own ears. I couldn't quite see anything yet either, everything was faded greys, nothing matched; I heard voices here and their bodies over there.

Nothing made sense.

Where was I?

Do I even know my name?

All sorts of questions flashed through my thoughts, but I could pin point nothing, only that I am a breathing person, I don't even know what I look like.

My vision was clearing and I could make out pale hands covered in blood, dirt, and callouses, and the only things that I could form together were the questions 'what happened to me? Was this even my hand?' My eyes trailed up and I saw two people. A boy, and a girl, the boy was nothing but golden, eyes, hair, skin, and he was extremely handsome, like a golden god, the whole nine yards. The girl, she was like the gothic princess, long tendrils of hair, and black eyes, dark as night, and such a contrast to pale, beautiful skin.

The one thing that was the same was the emotion in their eyes, pain and concern swam through them. More questions filtered through my mind, 'What had caused their pain? Why did I even care?' nothing made sense to me, I didn't understand anything.

_Wait…are they staring at me? Am I the cause?_

Sadness shot through me, I didn't want them to be sad for me, I should be the one that…that…_that what? Protects them? They are just unfortunate people, you don't even know them…or do I?_

What am I thinking?

I tried to speak, possibly form a sentence at best but all that came out was a violent cough and a gurgle of some sort. This seemed to break the spell of silence that warped us because the girl fell into my arms and the guy gripped my shoulder like it was his life line, and pulled both of us into his arms; burring his face in our shoulders.

I wanted to cry, my emotions were overwhelming me, I wanted to hug them back just as hard, but I didn't know why, I don't know them…but I feel like I wanted to.

I awkwardly patted her shoulder as she cried on mine, but she suddenly sat up and gazed at me, as if trying to answer her own questions just by looking to my eyes.

"Alec…what's wrong?" so my name was Alec, nice to know, what is hers and the boys?

"Alec…" the boy spoke with a sympathetic glance my way; I spoke up for the first time, finally getting my voice back. "Alec….." The sound of my own voice startled me, maybe because there was actual sound coming out of my mouth, I'm not sure, but either way I jumped.

"Alec? What's the matter….ALEC?" She jumped up and waited for my response, but I didn't know how to respond, I didn't even know what was going on, "I-I…um actually have questions…I uhh...I don't know your names...I'm sorry… a-and w-where am i-i?" I stumbled over the words as the tumbled from my mouth; I nervously glanced around and waited.

She was speechless for what seemed like ages then she spoke in the most heartbroken tone I had ever heard, or remembered. "No…t-this…NO!" she dropped to her knees and looked me in the eyes.

I dropped my gaze and my eyes found a certain man on the floor, his inky hair spilled to his shoulders, and he had bronzed skin, though it had a pale tent like he wasn't alive. Maybe he wasn't, he was lying face down and he wasn't moving…my heart skipped a beat at the thought of him being dead.

_Why would I feel such anguish?_

_Who was he?_

I ignored the other people in the room and focused on the man; he was muscular and looked tall, VERY attractive, from what I could see. I had unconsciously dragged myself closer and was now placing my hand over his back, where his heart was or should be.

Hope surged through me when I felt a very tiny pulse, though I'm not completely sure why, I shouldn't know these people…_so why do I feel so much emotion?_

I looked back at the two people that stared at with me with such intense it almost scared me and asked one of the first questions that had been on my mind since I woke up.

"What happened, why don't I remember anything?"

Golden boy answered first, almost hurriedly, "You're at the institute, your home." He shared a glance with the gothic princess before continuing. "You were kidnapped and were attacked, they had planned…" He went through what happened up until this point, the whole time I didn't say a word; I was stunned.

_Had this really happened to me? _

_How much have I had to endure?_

_How did the warlock on the ground, Magnus, save me with a spell even someone of immense strength shouldn't have been able to even attempt?_

_Why I am still alive if I had died…my heart stopped, why am I here? Breathing? Living?_

I was starting to feel dizzy again, and watched as black surged through my vision again. I felt my body drop and arms catch me, but by then, I couldn't move.

**XXXXLATERRRRXXXX**

A splitting headache woke me up; with over welling pain I rolled over and squinted around, trying to see without making my ach worse.

The room was large and had many beds with stark white walls and a row of metical cabinets I assumed I was in an infirmary; the table next to my bed had a crystal clear glass of dark liquid, and beside it was a note that said "drink".

_So…If I drink this…will it make my headache subside?_

I gripped the glass in my hands and tilted it back so it touched my lips and drank the dark blue substance. Luckily my headache went away instantly, without the annoying pain trapping me, I took the time to look at the details in the room. There was nothing. Just plain walls and beds.

Gazing around the beds, I saw the man from before, Magnus, he was on his back, and looked like he was asleep, but it looked painful, his eyebrows were pinched together and his hands gripped the sheets wildly. My heart speed up as I slowly crawled from the creaking bed and sat in the chair by Magnus, and just waiting for some type of movement.

_I honestly wasn't sure what I wanted at the moment._

I reached out and softly touched his hand, cradling it in mine, watching as his grip on the sheets loosens instantaneously, it was almost reassuring, but why I needed to do this, I didn't understand that either.

Moments after I touched his hand vibrant yellow/green eyes flashed in my head, and a close up of two pairs of lips pressed together fervently went away just as quickly, like the flash of a camera.

_Whose eyes are those?_

_Whose thoughts are those?_

My skin blazed and I ripped my hand away from his, "What just happened?" I thought out loud only to be answered by silence.

Just thinking about it made my eyebrows knot together so I decided to just watch him sleep, maybe wait for him to wake.

I waited for a long time before anything happened, but it was then that his hand twitched and he squeezed his eyes together, almost like telling me he was stirring.

Like clockwork, I got closer and his eyes opened hesitantly it was then that I realized that I was faced with the exact color and shape of eyes that I saw in my mind earlier.

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**REVIEW. PLEASE. I BEG YOU. :) Thanks for reading, i tried not to end it as cut offy as i have been, i've been a jerk to you guys haven't i? Hehe i apologize well, Bye my lovelys, adieu, until next time:)**


	6. Truth makes the heart stronger

**Hi guys! I'm kind of early aren't I? Well I'm happy:3 haha so a little bit of info before you read this, the Magnus chapters are more of just side details at the moment, I'm trying to focus more on Alec at the moment, so the Magnus chapters won't be that eventful until later. I apologize in advance for this, sorry! But I hope you like it, Thanks for sticking with my as always3**

**Btw sorry for the errors in the last chapter..they were pretty bad, i kind of let my computer do its job, and my computer happens to be the most illiterate electronic in the universe it tries to add random words and one of the things i remember from last chapter, it changed chair to car so..yeah. SORRY...Ya'lls reviews about it made me laugh so hard. (x **

**Be Still- The fray**

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**MAGNUS POV**

I don't know how long I had been conscious, possibly hours, but I was paralyzed, I could feel and hear everything going on around me which was mildly depressing, _I just wanted to know how long I've been out._

Earlier, Jace and Isabelle were here with one of the silent brothers, or so I'm assuming, unless they decided to have a three way conversation and both pause for extended amounts of time and agree to whatever 'Casper the ghost' was saying to them. They were having a serious conversation about Alec and how he _miraculously_ 'came back from the dead', or what spell I used to do it, and how I was still alive considering how strong of magic you needed to pull it off.

They left ages ago and I was contently listening to the sound of Alec's breathing when agony began to crawl up my spine, it felt like thousands of knives repeatedly stabbing into my back, swiveling upward through my chest, gutting me from back to front.

Though it wasn't a real, and in reality I was lying in a cotton white bed theoretically asleep, I squeezed my eyes together anyway, trying to block out the pain somehow, though to my dismay it didn't seem to work.

Faintly I heard the sound of gulping and the creaking of the squeaky mattresses in the infirmary, Alec was awake and was walking toward me, how I wish I could be awake and wrap my arms around his thin waist and nuzzle my nose into his hair and kiss him hard on the lips, and make sure he knows how much he means to me and is never doubtful of the truth again.

I felt the withdraws of using that type of spell with the little magic I had at the moment and believe me, the pain erupted from everywhere. I hadn't known I was gripping the pale sheets so tightly until I felt hands hold mine, encircling it, and at that moment the pain subsided almost completely and I loosened my hold.

Interesting.

His hands were the key to the lock, because as soon as his palms made contact with mine I felt the weight on my eyes lift and I was sure I could open them now. But before I grew too comfortable with his hold on mine, he ripped his hands away like my skin was acid, then I heard a faint mutter "what just happened?" I could have laughed, it was so adorable. His voice was like a drug, I needed to hear it again, and I was addicted in every single way.

I decided in that moment that I would open my eyes; I pressed my eyelids together, and blinked before I slowly opening my catlike eyes. I was faced with the most breath taking baby blues I have ever seen, I don't think anyone, let alone me, could EVER get used to that beautiful color gazing up at you.

_Alec._

Relief rushed through me, this wasn't like when I was hearing about him and how he '_miraculously survived'_, those were just words running on a tape, you don't feel the sensation until you hear the melody drive with the words. Well that was Alec, he was my melody, my sensation, and just seeing his brought so much emotion that flittered through me.

I wanted to squeeze him tight, envelop him in my arms, shroud him in sweet, sweet kisses, and whisper all my adoration for him softy in his pale ears.

I knew I couldn't though, I had brought him back from the dead, he wouldn't remember, one of the drawl backs of this spell was that the "deceased not remember anything", his memories dormant, that's why it calls for devotion. Someone would need a lot of patience for what will come in the future.

I could only wish his memories come back at all, this has only been done a few times before, one was unsuccessful. I had triumphed over one wall, the next would be if he's still the same person…Some reports say they were completely different, some even say they never made it past an hour.

I'm lucky he's even alive in the first place, if I hadn't been strong enough…I don't know what I would've done. Probably find a way to go with him.

Several walls are still blocking my path sadly.

The look in his eyes proved he didn't remember, of course, confusion and muddled idea's filled his eyes, clouding those brilliant blues.

I picked up my hand barely and felt a weight on top of it, Alec had placed him hand back on top of mine, and I squeezed my fingers ever so slightly so he would know I was totally coherent.

If he was holding my hand now, either his new personality was worried about the unconscious person or he still had emotions that tied to his hidden memories. I longed for it to be the latter.

Pulling my body upward to a sitting position as I kept eye contact with Alec, waiting to see his reactions, and maybe use some sort of trigger to relive his memories.

Possibly remember.

Doubtful.

"Do…you know…who I am?" I questioned cautiously, I hesitantly grazing my fingers tips across the top of his hand, pausing at the end of his fingers.

I clutched his fingers before loosening my grip and drawing my hands away from him; letting them rest in my lap. If I touched him longer than necessary I would scare him away, and I sure as hell didn't want that.

"Um, N-no, I'm sorry," Alec was stuttering cutely and I needed to feel him against my body.

This feeling is driving me crazy.

"I-I know you…..don't remember who I am, but please, Alec, could I please hold you? Hug you? Please…" My voice broke at the last word, wincing at how desperate I sounded I gazed into his eyes. He looked so conflicted, his eyes tittered around the room nervously as I pleaded with him, I just needed one hug and I wouldn't ask for more. For now at least.

He came to the conclusion that I was harmless, or assuming he did so because he nodded slowly and waiting for my hug to come, probably preparing himself. I reached out slowly, gently wrapping my arms around his slender waist and tugging him towards me, molding our bodies together. Letting my head drop to his shoulder, I felt tears rake through my chest and escape in sobs on his warn, almost black T-shirt.

I nuzzled my nose into his neck and smelled his scent, breathing him in, reminding myself that he is indeed, still alive and well.

Eventually he awkwardly patted my back and made 'shhh' noises, over all he reminded me of a person you meet on the street that happens upon your tear fest. The tears that had pushed past my eyes and had now dripped down my face freely, I needed a distraction; something to hold off the tears, I needed to talk to him. Not cry on his shoulder. Besides, I can't even begin to imagine how awkward this is for him; I would be too if some completely random stranger was crying on my shoulder like a baby.

I let my arms drop and pulled away weakly; wiping my eyes, I cleared my throat then let the questions that had been racing through my mind since I was theoretically _conscious_.

"How much do you know?" I asked lightly, he shrugged in response, "I know what happened, I don't remember anyone, but Jace and Isabelle explained it to me, but they didn't know much…Do you…know what happened?" That was the clearest I had ever heard his voice in a long time, I missed that.

I nodded before jumping head first into the explanation; I skipped out the _minor_ detail of us being romantically involved, and some other things that might upset him. He did well, for someone who was just now realizing the brutal truth of the situation; he nodded when appropriate and winced when I trailed around the menacing attacks and his death. Very appropriate.

By the time I had finished the lengthy story he had paled considerably, but still looked in control for the most part. "Um, Magnus…Who are you? Like everyone else, you look familiar….b-but I don't know..." he trailed off and waited patiently for an answer.

"I-i is a warlock and an f-friend to your family…." I lied through my teeth, it felt horrible to feign this innocence in this situation, I could have told him the truth, that we were together and incredibly in love, but what good would that do? He would just feel the need to be with me without even having feelings, in some ways he was as weak as a newborn, while in others still a grown man, in some sense.

It would do no good to create chaos in his jumbled mind when he was already in extreme disorder at the moment. I would keep it simple and simply compel him to fall in love with me all over again. Not TOO hard. Game on.

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**Thanks so much for reading:) PLEASE REVIEW! Please and thank you, I love all of them, even criticism, and if you have advice, feel free to tell me that too:D Until next time? adieuuu(:**


	7. A deadly game played by two

**I'M BACK! Hello to those of you, my dear fans, that I have missed oh so freaking much! Well I am happy to announce that YES this is a new chapter! and if you have not noticed the month has changed! It is now November! Aren't you excited? its getting cold! WELL then October was a VERY busy month..but now it's over! My darlings, I am back, and refreshed:) I CAN WRITE AGAIN! well I know, or at least hope that some of you were pretty impatience for this to come! well it is and I won't waste your time babbling about October nonsense seeing as how it is a new month and all. SO enjoy the belated chapter:)**

**song? Hold on- Adam Lambert -leaky leaky:) (glamberts will understand this meaning.)**

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**ALEC POV**

I was at the infirmary for a few more days for healing my injuries, and to regain some essential parts of my life, before they moved me to _my room_ at the _institute_. I realized that the only reason I had felt so numb when I woke was because of the drink, once the liquid wore off, the aching was brought to my attention. It soon turned to slight uncomforted then escalated to full on agony.

Who knew I had so many broken ribs and gashes littering my body.

This was all way too bizarre, I wake up in this hospital like setting with no recollection of the past of anything of my life, only to find out that I have a family, I; apparently, was a _shadow hunter_, and my job in life is to hunt demons.

If this wasn't already weird enough, Isabelle, the dark haired girl; spent the next week explaining my life and any sort of time I had ever spent with her, trying to help me relive it no doubt, but nothing clicked. One thing irked me though…I cared for her in ways that strangers shouldn't…..care. Everytime her lip would quiver when my mind would only return to a blank slate after all the stories of how much fun we had together, my only desire was to be her solace. Take on her pain and leave only the feelings of joy left behind, but I didn't understand these feelings, she had said she was my sister, our faces proved that, but I just didn't know.

It was Jace's turn for _bonding_ next, he would come in after Isabelle and explain the crazy stunts he had dragged me into, telling me I would always ruin the fun, but would help him out of the stupid situations he would find himself in. I had that affectionate feeling of wanting to pat his back and tell him it would be okay when his shoulders sagged from disappointment when I was still a theoretical blind man. Like Isabelle, he had said I was his sibling though it wasn't as evident as before. Though, I knew it was true because one of the things both stories had in common was a young boy named Max. I was sad to hear his name being brought up, though like all the other unknown feelings I was drawn to a blank. They always talked in past tense and that irked me so I asked about it, and both times was answered with pregnant silence. So I eventually stopped asking.

I was told I had parents though I hadn't seen them yet, Isabelle mentioned that they traveled a lot, I felt a bitterness fill me at that comment, like a glass being filled with water to the brim; so close to spilling over, but not quiet.

For the first time since my awakening I was alone, no Isabelle, no Jace, no Magnus, well I can't really say Magnus because as soon as he was ready to walk he vanished, but most of all…nobody right outside my door, waiting to see if I have a random epiphany and remember all of my memories.

I plopped down on the bed with a hard thump and just let my thoughts wonder, everything was in disarray, nothing really comprehendible. What was I to do? Everyone demanded something from me, be it memories, or my presence, nobody seemed to realized that I needed peace.

A timid knock brought me out of my revere, my eyes snapped open as I pulled myself off the board like mattress with great frustration.

I guess I'll never be alone until I remember.

Though I never expected him to appear, I was utterly speechless when I opened the door, the very same warlock that had saved my life was standing there, looking completely out of place and nervous.

Happiness filled me from head to toe. It wasn't gratitude from being saved; I knew the difference in emotions at least.

I was so curious as to _why I felt this way? Why do I want to throw myself at his very feet? _

My hands were trembling as I waited for him to speak; to utter the first words, because I definitely couldn't. I felt my stomach churn as he stood completely still, silent, which was what scared me the most, _the silence._ It was always the moment when emotions ate me alive, sympathy, guilt, the urge to let tears spill from my eyes, and the moment of truth when, yet again, I am the theoretical blind man.

I would stay strong.

I WILL gain my memories back.

Magnus spoke at long last, leaving the uncomfortable hush behind us, "Hi Alec…Um you do remember me…correct?" He questioned, the nervous look still plastered on his face.

"Y-yes, Magnus, I do…" I heard a big exhale of relief Magnus had at my reply, "Do you…do you mind if I come in? Please…" I tilted my head up slightly so I could hear him clearly.

I nodded slightly after the question made contact with my ears, indicating my agreement as I stumbled back into _the_ bleak room. Standing off to the side, avoiding his gaze, at this very moment the floor, having caught my attention, was apparently the most interesting thing in the world.

"Alec…please, look at me…" I turned my head to the sound of his voice and was caught in a trance, blue eyes against vibrant yellow/green eyes locked together.

The tension was so _thick_ you could cut it with a spoon. Yes a spoon. That's how completely and ridiculously uncomfortable it was in this very silent, and very still room.

Our eyes were locked together, each one daring the other one to break the gaze, a deadly game played by only two. Why couldn't I remember the bronze of his skin, the slight Asian descent clear in his face, or the long toned body, or even the lust worthy seductive voice? Why did none of this ring a bell? Obviously my body remembers something or my heart wouldn't be racing as though I had just finished a marathon.

Even when talking to my siblings, the telltale heartache was present when they sagged with disappointment, so why did nothing, not even a touch of skin, ring a bell as it did with Magnus?

With eyes still focusing intently on mine Magnus spoke, "I know Isabelle and Jace have both done this…and you're probably irritated that I'm here about to do the same thing…but I wanted to talk to you…maybe try to get you to remember something…ANYTHING really…anything at all…"

I stood with my heart racing at the desperate aura that radiated off of him, and a slight blush that flooded my neck as I nodded at his statement, hopefully telling him that I will try and regain my memory as well. He walked forward slowly taking my hand in his as he led me to the bed, once there he sat me down and went through his story. Or should I say ours?

None of this struck a bell, maybe time would ware this_ memory block_ away, maybe I just needed to wait this out. Though I listened, silently hoping that something would strike me as odd and I would think about it so much that it would regain my memory. Maybe I would just remember something of what he said and I would slowly remember everything along with that one bit of information. But alas, no such domino effect happened during this story.

I believed that this would all be distant one day and that I will remember anything I wanted, hoping, begging, pleading even, that this was not permanent.

After Magnus finished speaking of the moments we shared that might've stuck, he stopped and stared at me, his eyes pleading that I remembered, but there would be no such thing for I didn't seem to remember even the tiniest spark of info.

My heart almost gave out when I saw the third person to sag from distress, but for the first time, I wanted to kiss it better, I wanted to lay my head at the most perfect place between his neck and shoulder, I wanted to wrap my arms around his thin frame and just stay there. Content. These feelings scared me, I didn't know this person, or so it seemed, and I wanted to be there for him. Maybe these are feelings from before...but they don't matter unless I understood what I feel, in which case, I do not.

I am the one who cannot swim who is in too deep.

I am the one who cannot see who watches every detail.

I am the one who cannot hear who listens for the difference.

I am the one who cannot move who stretches for the opening.

I am the one who is alone among people.

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**HELLO AGAIN! or should i say goodbye? WELL then that was a nice chapter wasn't it? I think you should review what you thought of it. A good idea, yes? You want to review how mad you are that I made you ladies, possibly gents wait a month, yes? I would:) DOOOOO tell me what you thought, I actually really want to know if you like the direction I am taking this in! because if you don't...I want to please you guys..so tell me. lol ok well THANK YOU for reading! until next time...ADIEU! *waves goodbye***


	8. Call it deductive reasoning

**So I have absolutely nothing to say as an excuse to explain why I hadn't updated in a while. Call it boredom or writers block, whatever you want, BUT AT LEAST I HAVE RETURNED...mostly, I am no longer saying when i will update because it is more of a let down if i don't do it "on time" well I at least hope you like the chapter, please and thank you.**

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**MAGNUS POV**

_Help me Magnus! Magnus SAVE ME! PLEASE! Oh angel…_

_Vibrant azure eyes flashed, agony and misery flowed from eye to eye, like crashing tides against jagged rocks. A pale body being brutally mutilated from the corner of my vision, always showing to those brilliant runes that encased his perfect skin, a knife dragged along the arm, and dagger pushed into a leg, a seraph blade sliding along the delicate skin of the stomach, and rape at its finest._

_A piercing screech was brought to my ears, a sound that could bring a man to his knees in anguish, echoed through my mind._

_Did he scream like that when they tortured him?_

_Did he feel as helpless as I do when I dream of this?_

_Did he resolve that his death would be a painful one?_

My arms dropped from its position under my chin and fell to my side as I violently woke from my daydream. My body trembled from the utterly horrible thoughts that circulated around my head; I trudged into the bathroom by the stairs and just bleakly stared. My once alive cat eyes were now dull and dead, dark bags hung from my bland sockets, my cheeks were sunken in and my lips were swollen from teeth marks of anxiety. The funny thing about this was, I didn't care.

If Alec was kidnaped for being gay, and having a relationship with a downworlder, there should be other cases or at least reporting's of some sort. Alec will eventually regain his memory, he has already had flashes of moments of his past life, so that wasn't much of a problem now, after the first moment he had there has been several after that and it has been two months since then. It might take a very long time, but it will happen, and when it does, the people, no scratch that _monsters _is a better word_, _that have done this to him will not be alive to see it.

I raced out of the bathroom after fixing the mess that held my face captive, and caught a cab to the institute, I would have used magic, but I couldn't conjure the power. I was drained.

After Isabelle let me in, I treaded to the library and searched for semi resent reporting's of murder or assault in the past two years. They seemed like they knew what they were doing with Alec; I've never known any type of or cult to _ever _do that to a Shadowhunter, let alone a mundane.

After a few hours of searching I can across a black leather book, I pulled it from the shelf and sat on one of the fluffed golden chairs and opened the book to page one.

_ 1979 December 22-Cult attack; Alicia Ravenscar; Evident torture, rape, death within 2 hours of appearance, cult not found_

_ 1980 November 17- Another cult attack; Conrad Starkweathe; Evident torture, rape, death within 2 hours of appearance, cult not found_

The words were twisting in on themselves, transforming the letters into something sinister and evil, a gasp left my lips as I flipped through page after page, all dating up to recently, to the last page so far, just looking at it made my blood run cold.

_ 2012 October 12- Yet another cult attack on a shadow hunter; Ashton Cartwright; Evident torture, rape, death within 2 hours of appearance, cult STILL not found, Cartwright family still in question about murder_

_ 2012 November 5- Cult attack; Alexander Lightwood; Evident torture, rape, still alive, no recollection of event, subject has vivid nightmares, family not in question, under protection of high warlock of Brooklyn_

The look of Alec's name on this page made bile rise in my throat, sweating profoundly I looked at the other most recent entry. Ashton Cartwright, if his family was in question maybe I could check it out, I picked up another book I saw earlier that; it held all of the shadow hunter family information, where they lived, etc.

After I had contacted the family I had to wait, but what was waiting when you were so anxious a five minute time period seemed like an eternity. So I walked around the institute, trying to find my blue eyed Shadowhunter, though the walk didn't last much longer; patience was never my strong point so my slow trudge eventually sped up to a decent jog. When I stepped up to the door, nervous butterflies started buzzing around inside of me, my heart thudded in my chest, a heart wrenching feeling swept through me as I gradually pushed the open the object that blocked my path.

What I saw surprised me and at the same time, didn't, Alec should have been doing something, anything, but what was there to do when you didn't have any memories, he had just started relearning the runes, and fighting techniques, but it wasn't enough. Nobody trusted him to get their back in battle, it was like he was just a young child again, after all that he's been through I would assume they would try harder to get him back into his life. Though something inside told me that there was a reason his parents hadn't authorized Brother Jeremiah or any of the other brothers to try and fix whatever was blocking his memories, I intended to find out that very reason. Call it deductive reasoning, but I will find it one way or another.

He was lying in the white hospital like bed staring up at the ceiling with such a pained gaze that I involuntarily winced. "Alec…Hey," He jumped at my words, before turning to his side and regarded me with brilliant silvery blue eyes that could bring me to my knees in mercy. If I hadn't known him before, the look would've seemed cold and detached, but I did know him, and I could clearly see the masked agony that was swirling underneath in blue waves.

He was in so much pain, such a tender soul was burning with anguish, though it didn't go unnoticed, I could see it in his posture; everytime his memory slipped and he lost a piece of that puzzle his shoulders would tense and his lips would form a tight line. I could see it everytime the people that were supposed to support him would shy away with pain of their own and run with their tails between their legs hurting Alec along the way. The only thing I can say at this point was that _it doesn't go unnoticed._

"H-How are you feeling?" I was stuttering, this is fabulous, I never stuttered, but this wasn't an ordinary time, Alec was supposed to have his memory, and I was supposed to be my normal but not so normal self.

"Don't treat me like a patient, I am nothing of the sorts." His sharp tone startled me for mere seconds before I retaliated, "Yes, Alec, you are, you lost your memory and we are trying to help you get it back, don't get your panties in a bunch because you don't like being treated this way" My eyebrow twitched in irritation as I watched Alec sit up and glare at me before snapping back, "My panties aren't in a bunch," he huffed, then his face flushed bright cherry red, "N-Not t-t-that I wear…those…"

A glimmer of hope jumped from my body as I realized Alec was almost acting normal, he was blushing, he was talking back to me, hell he was even slouching his shoulders like he used to. "Alec…Did you remember anything?" his head shot up, and that torturous gaze was back, shaking his head, he dropped it back and I watched with childlike innocence as his ears turned a light pink.

A sad smile made its way onto my face as I glided over to the bed and lightly sat down next to Alec, "Hey, hey, hey, it's ok, I was just asking, its fine Alexander, you'll remember with time," I let my arm slide up his back and rest on his shoulders. To my surprise he leaned into my touch and let his head lay on my shoulder, I couldn't explain how I felt in this moment even if I wanted to, my heart warmed and my pulse jumped, his head fit so perfectly in the crook of my neck, and even his wiry raven hair tickled my cheek. It was my turn to blush now, if only slightly.

"Alexander, its ok, you don't have to feel this way, there is absolutely nothing that can stop you from remembering, you just need time, it IS ok," I soothed, running my fingers through his hair, I head a sob escape his perfect lips. My heart ached; I planted a kiss in his hair as I shushed him and whispered loving things into his ears to calm him down. Feeling a silent track of tears soak the sleeve of my light purple long sleeve shirt made me was to cry, I felt my own catlike eyes begin to water.

After some time I felt more than heard a soft snore that broke the silence that had filled the room, laying him down and tucking him in before I pressed my lips to his forehead and let the few tears that refused to fall pour from my eyes, letting out some of the sorrow and grief that had filled my body the past few months.

Walking away from him was one of the hardest things I've had to do and I always felt like I was repeating the notion again and again, letting him down when he didn't find his memory, or breaking his heart when I could do _ANYTHING._ His heart wasn't the only thing was being destroyed, mine was eroding in the process, and the only thing I could do about it was sit here and watch as I and Alec was washed away by all of it.

My resolution had come and it was definitely time to act, the poker face was back as I strode down the hall, and let my anger guide me, straight to the Cartwright household, I was done waiting for an answer, I was diving straight into hell at this point.

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**THANK YOU FOR READING, I know I've been terrible to you, with the whole I'm not going to update for two months and I have no excuses, blah blah blah, SERIOUSLY THOUGH I am sorry! I hope it was mostly worth it, please REVIEW:) **


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